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Shoe Humor
*****
"These shoes that you sold me last week are hopeless. One heel is an inch higher than the other. How do you expect me to walk?"
"With a limp."
*****
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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When does a shoe lose it's tongue?
When it's a hoarse shoe
*****
A tourist traveling down a country road in the deep south passes a young woman walking down the road with only one shoe on.
The tourist stops the car and asks the woman, "You lose a shoe?"
"Nope," she replies, "just found one."
*****
*****
A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She is thrilled at the car's speed. "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?," he smirks.
"Yes!" says his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200 mph, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flips over. The naked girl is thrown clear, but he remains jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cries.
"But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he says, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl runs down the road and finds a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleads to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
Billy-Bob -- the mechanic -- looks at the shoe and says, "There's nothing I can do for you... he's in too far!"
*****
A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the boy's college dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his grandson was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway to his room.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But Grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."
*****
Why was the little shoe unhappy?
Because his father was a loafer and his mother was a sneaker.
*****
A woman goes into a shoe store in a short skirt and starts to try on different pairs of shoes with the help of a clerk. It is immediately obvious to the clerk, as he is kneeling in front of her, that she is not wearing any underwear. As he continues to help the woman, he becomes increasingly excited and uncomfortable. Finally, unable to control himself any longer, he lifts the front of her skirt and tells her, "Lady, if you were to fill that thing with ice cream, I'd eat it all out!"
The woman becomes furious, slaps the clerk on the face, and runs out. She immediately drives home and tells her husband about the incident and asks him, "What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing", comes the reply.
"Why not?", she asks
"Three reasons", he says,
You have enough pairs of goddamn shoes already, and you don't need to be wasting my money;
You should wearing some goddamn underwear when you leave the house;
There's no way in hell that I'm going to mess around with someone who can eat THAT MUCH ice cream!
*****
*****
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in Cokes?"
*****
Why did the blonde put TGIF on her shoe?
Toes Go In First.
*****
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But sir, I can see from up here that you're at least a size 11."
The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them , ties them tight, and then stands up in obvious pain.
The salesman has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"
He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is fucking my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is a Republican. The only pleasure Im going to have in life is taking off these fucking shoes."
*****
Mary Jane was at the movies with her boyfriend. He put his hand up her shirt. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed. She knew her money was in her shoe.
*****
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